It’s been quite the year; physical changes to mental recalibration. It’s been a challenging, emotional rollercoaster with realisations that sink deep. The life I’m leading, expressing and sharing is my story; it makes me the individual I am and everything I share are for my own memories. The past year has been the best of my life, but it hasn’t been the easiest. I’m finally being true to myself, and it’s been incredibly liberating. HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) has added colour to my soul, where before I struggled to see past the black and white, something that before I struggled to achieve authentically and with the integrity I needed to be seen in a way that others could understand and respect.
On the 27th of August 2024 I allowed myself to start my HRT journey and embrace the world of femininity, a milestone in my life, a day that took 9419 days of living to come to life. The milestone wasn’t all joyous however, it was shrouded in sadness, the same day I found out I couldn’t have any more biological children after the long road of wanting to freeze my gametes to preserve fertility. The dreams of having more children, shattered. Every battle I’ve overcome in my life, this happened to be the blade that sliced through my heart, the road to stitching my heart back up had begun. The fact that I have a living, breathing, biological child that I love deeply with all my heart, is something I’ll always cherish and be grateful for, if losing my fertility reinforced anything, it’s that all life is precious; being able to put all the focus on my son can only ensure richer memories and a deeper connection; my son’s existence has been the defibrillators to my life on many occasions and my love for him extends to all timelines in the multiverse.
In the first quarter of the year, I kept to myself, strategising coming out to my family (again), friends, and colleagues. My immediate family were supportive but had concerns about social integration and societal acceptance. My friends were supportive, and some were not surprised by my announcement. Coming out to my work colleagues was challenging, especially since I work in a hospital. One evening, I decided to construct a message to be put in the work group chat, I pressed send; throwing my phone to the bed, not to look at it again for a whole 30 minutes. The overwhelming support from my colleagues was a blessing and a truly emotive experience; fully coming out has got to be one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. Expressing myself freely felt like unlocking a new area in a video game. I was finally free from the constraints of my assigned gender, my mind, body and soul freed from all shackles.
Physical changes were thrilling, especially at first; the euphoria of softer skin, reducing body hair, and my facial complexion shifting was happiness like never experienced before. The subtle change in eye shape of recent and the realisation my feet have gotten smaller brought me so much joy; butt & breast growth? Like being on ecstasy. (I imagine).
In this time off work, I thought it would be a great time to start to understand and learn makeup, something I’ve been holding off until the right time. I knew it would take time, but going into it, I realised the principles of good makeup is like a good piece of photography, it’s all about colour blending. Lots of experimenting happened here, but I quickly found what I like and kept going at it, the rest is history. What I love about makeup is it’s not about covering up imperfections, it’s the beauty in the expression. There’s so much I want to learn with makeup, but all good things come in time; winged eyeliner? God I can’t wait.
I suddenly changed from being withdrawn in my life to being more extroverted. I felt happy, confident, and unstoppable. However, the change in brain chemistry affected me and the first punch was thrown, leaving me in a brain fog like no other. My personality and perception shifted, causing me to see the world differently; like stepping foot into a parallel universe. Everything seemed in sync for the first time, while pre-HRT, I always felt like I was a second out of sync with the rest of the world and the people around me. My empathic nature overwhelmed me, causing a shock state and unstable mental well-being for a short time. I took time off work, resigned from my contracted position as a HCA (Healthcare Assistant), drank heavily, and engaged in self-destructive behaviours. The only way out for me was to sit still, listen to ambient music, meditate, and re-centre myself.
Just over two months later, I returned to work as a HCA under a new bank contract, having control on when I work put me in full control of my life with no obligation to work if things started to go a bit sideways again. Upon returning, I was me, wearing the red work dress and being unapologetically myself. The benefits of consistently learning to not give a sh*t had started to become quite beneficial at this point. Talk about milestones and divine timing though, 9 months into HRT happened to be the day I returned to work, the first time exiting my home publicly in a dress and tights; I felt incredibly satisfied, whilst being extremely proud of how far I had come to get to this point.
The last three months I’d seen some real noticeable changes in my attitude, appearance and personality; to my satisfaction I didn’t care what others thought of me anymore, which is one of the keys in life to feeling truly free. I feel lots of energy around me, which as an empathic individual can be emotionally and physically draining, but whether it’s positive or negative energy I am consistently learning on how to navigate it; judgemental energy? Laugh and bin it. Loving energy? Nurture and protect it. Call me crazy? You’re connected to WiFi reading this, it’s a type of energy; don’t come at me with Ethernet connection either, energy going through that wire too.
Whilst my physical appearance is shifting to my astonishment, my personality has done a full backflip. I’m still Jamie, just unhinged. The feeling of becoming the girl who was always outta my league, slaying in outfits that accentuate my soul and entire vibrational frequency has felt like touching the embodiment of enlightenment whilst its energy ripples back into my veins. I share photographs of myself on Instagram for all to see, creating a visual wardrobe that defines my style and love for the feminine divine. I love every second of being creative, the exciting part? I’m only just getting started.
I’ve had several realisations this year, one of which is that the most unexpected people were the most supportive, whilst the ones I thought would support me most became silent. Whether someone loves you for your laughter or hates you for your eccentricity, the beauty is in the balance. Trying to please everyone is only going to cause a tsunami of conflict between your mind and soul, my advice? Nurture that loving energy and eject the sleaze.
This first year on HRT has been jaw-dropping, with an avalanche of changes yet to develop, it’s safe to say I’m excited to see what another year will bring. I expect many more mood swings and mental hurdles, but the tits are worth it. Life is not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, but I’ve got this far and I’m stupendously grateful for the people who have helped me along the way. I got my first letter through the post a day before my 1 year HRT milestone, with the title ‘Miss’ for the first time, the universe tipped it’s hat and said ‘you earned this’.
My HRT anniversary was an unexpectedly tough experience, where I tried imagining what it could look like, it was much the opposite with the day ending in tears. I’ve distanced myself from work and friends for a short time to yet again recalibrate and think what’s next, what’s important, and how I’m going to survive in an ever challenging society. The glue that’s keeping me together has been daily exercise, whether I finish with a flood of endorphins or silent meditation whilst fighting tears, it stops me reaching for toxicity. This blog, writing, getting out what’s in my head is a new tool to decompress my mind and step by step, moment by moment, the world might just see Jamie for who she really is; real change takes courage, taking that leap you’ll find your confidence and self-worth come a long way. If I could go back and tell myself a year ago anything, it would be to hang in there, the smile in the mirror is going to with it. 💖
All Things Jamieee ✨ 