A lifetime of quiet chaos turned introspection; where inattentiveness and hyperactivity merged, suppressing emotions due to lack of learned vocabulary; feeling misunderstood, sinking into the void of my mind for answers only I could bring to the surface. The constant whirlwind of thought that caused storms within, whilst simultaneously expressing nothingness. 27 years of life had passed, 9864 days of living with a mind that became my unconscious companion, categorised clinically; Inattentive ADHD.
Living a life where I felt alien and unable to pin-point the reason was distressing, the psychological vacuum it created eventually became unmatched; beginning this journey of self-discovery in childhood, still unraveling the mystery in adulthood decades later, true understanding of self finally becoming less muggy; sprinkling my identity incongruence into the mix, life became a mental battleground whilst searching for the peace treaty flag in a post-apocalyptic war torn metropolis with nuclear radiation at every breath. I had to learn about myself, the elements in life that nourished me, the toxins which poisoned my wellbeing; then life began to shift. The stormy ocean started to ripple into a lake and before I knew it, I was staring back at my reflection, overlooking a pond, frozen by absolute stillness, with the sun beating on my back.
My ADHD diagnosis created understanding and clarity that was once friction between the unknowing and the excusing. Why do I think this way? Am I just lazy? Do people think I’m weird? The self-reflective questions expressed itself with an ugly anchor of self-doubt; born in adolescence, potent in adulthood, finally extinguished with deep analysis and understanding of oneself. The most intriguing part personally is how I recognised the difference ADHD presented itself prior to HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) to now.
Where I was quietly withdrawn and introverted all my life, I became loud and extraverted with HRT; with a lot of changes going on physically and my brain chemistry shifting, all of a sudden, hyperactivity was expressing itself for others to see, especially in the workplace. I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t stop it, it’s bizarre but beautiful; and sometimes annoying, admittedly. The hyperactivity typically only showed up in my life when I was happy and comfortable with my environment, but, living with anxiety and depression for a large chunk of my life, it didn’t show up often. Which begs the question, why now? The simple answer is because I’m happy, confident and content in my individuality; a position in my life that has finally been achieved.
The NHS helped me through the darkest days of my experience with depression, anxiety and psychosis; I was hospitalised under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act in 2021, I had entered the dark side of consciousness where what I thought about, became my reality. The gratitude I hold for the NHS is monumental, I had this huge desire to give back, so I became a Healthcare Assistant (HCA) in the NHS.
I loved the job I had entered, I was caring for patients whilst hearing so many stories from all walks of life. I was giving back, learning, and evolving which was so incredibly fulfilling; an experience that shaped further introspection into the nature of reality I tend to weave between. Quitting my job as a HCA was an analytical choice, with everything I had come to understand about myself in recent years, the ADHD diagnosis and the experiences I had endured, overtime it developed my understanding of the world and societal systems we live between; I formed new philosophical and psychological concepts that I could no longer ignore, to stand morally within my intuitive compass, I resigned.
I needed to leave my role as a HCA to protect my peace; working in an environment my brain was never wired to sustain, the noise, the bright lights, consistent buzzers, the combination of my brain switching off due to lack of stimulation and wondering thoughts left me unfocused and undesired. Understanding why this was happening, knowing medication was still 6 months away and the effects the job was having on my mind and soul, I pulled the plug on the whole scene; reclaiming sovereignty.
I’ve grown to realise that the reality I live within can be chosen by conscious thought; years of experiences to comprehend and observe the fact that all life is a constant cycle of patterns driven by consciousness, disguised as energy, frequency and vibration; when it’s all I’ve come to see, it’s become impossible to ignore. I’m manifesting the next chapter in my story; all avenues have concluded, all doors closed, it’s just me, I’m starting again; but for the first time, unapologetically authentic, one brushstroke at a time.
All Things Jamieee ✨ 