Throughout our lives we live through many versions of ourselves and the identity that carried us forward isn’t always the identity we’re living and experiencing today; becoming consciously self-aware of my thoughts and patterns has brought me to an identity split, beyond duality and into the realm of co-existing identities all at once. Is it healthy to have multiple identities of ourselves existing all at once? Or do we just become a different person to everyone we interact with?
The magic that biological women are able to birth a child is one of life’s greatest attributes, some cultures see being born as a resurrection, a rebirth of a loved one, others see a birth as a brand new life altogether; the blessing of holding a baby, seeing them grow into a toddler to become a unique child is truly a gift that can only be witnessed. Children blissfully live through their teenage years to eventually become an adult and then, the cycle continues; natures gift to us all is being able to see evolutionary cycles through our own eyes, it’s a magical experience when you’re consciously aware of the cycles of life that embed our lives.
I am living the pleasure of seeing an evolutionary cycle through the growth of my son, whilst seeing him grow up I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my own life and during this process, I unearthed some unsettling feelings regarding my own upbringing, whilst I’m not going to touch on that here, I think it’s important to note that all versions of ourselves from birth until present hold contextualised weight to our evolutionary story, each chapter serving as unravelled string.
On my transitional journey from male to female (MTF) I couldn’t help but reflect on all past and present versions of myself; whilst reflecting, I was mostly met with grief, it’s unfortunate, however, when I catch myself victimising myself over the past, especially in moments where I either had no control over the outcome or when I emotionally reacted in a way that maybe wasn’t wise, I try and sit for a moment and extend gratitude to myself for making it this far in my life; for the most part I’ve lived most of my life in survival mode and a large portion of how I used to react to situations were in response to trauma.
Practicing gratitude through meditations has taught me to accept the past as the past; but it’s important to note, that when I think back to heavy moments in my life where I’m met with pain, it still hurts, the difference is, I now have the ability to control how much it effects me. Exploring old memories helps us grow as individuals, even when those memories are potent with regret, hurt, anger, sadness or fear. I’ve come to terms that all the emotions I have been blessed to feel in this life thus far has taught me that feeling emotions, the good, the bad or indifferent, is a fundamental part of the human experience.
I believe we all endure endless internal battles throughout our lives and the pain that is accompanied by the psychological traumas we are dealt only amplify the polarising moments that make life feel dynamic, meaningful and full of colour; the rush of all the feel good chemicals in moments that couldn’t be predicted form core memories, the contrast between a positive and negative memory is what creates the intensity of emotion in a given moment, the energy in motion we feel is directly linked to the opposite emotion we once felt.
It’s the very real moments throughout life that we often tell as stories to our friends, co-workers, kids and grandchildren; sharing our memories can inspire an entire generation, the stories we pass on can hold weight to self identity and inspire another individual if we’re seen as honest to ourselves; the stories we tell can enrich and empower others. When we honour all past versions of ourselves, even the ones we choose to keep buried, we stay honest to our individuality and we become more credible; when we allow all incarnations of self to exist in fixed moments in time, we allow ourselves to become authentic in the present. Life may be a jigsaw, but at least we’re the ones who get to carefully handle the pieces with intention, whilst also remembering that without the corners, we don’t have a complete picture.
Our individual personalities consistently shift throughout our lives, I would argue that everyone I’ve ever interacted with would’ve been multiple different people all throughout their lives. The people we interact with past or present will hold a definitive version of ourselves in their own mind, whether it’s a true depiction of self or complete nonsense is neither important or untrue, it’s subjective; whatever imprint of self is left in the mind of an individual is up to them, that version of ourselves they hang onto may likely be ingrained into their neural network forever and there’s not a lot we can do to actively change that fact; only the individual can actively make that change if they should want to, either way, if we hold onto other people’s perspectives of us, we’ll never grow into the version of ourselves we’re destined to become, so let them, let them hold any version they want of you whilst you weave through life; when you can finally let go and let them believe whatever they want about you, you’ll notice breathing will feel easier and peace of mind is consistently within reaching distance.
The ability to shift perspectives within ourselves is a choice only the individual can choose to allow or reject, we either make that choice consciously or subconsciously based on lived experience through upbringing and environmental factors such as the level of exposure to distractive elements such as sound and light, love and fear. It can sometimes feel uncomfortable when we actively tap into the idea that everyone holds a perspective of you; being bothered by how others choose to perceive you can be the initial ignition spark to real change, actively choosing to instigate new ways of being perceived can actively improve how you see yourself consciously and concurrently subconsciously. The subject of real changes can be intimidating but by reasoning, real change is subjective to the scope of others perceived reality, meaning what is deemed positive to one person, is deemed negative by another, this happens when two different individuals live very different lives to one another.
Think identical twins; both born into the same household, brought up by the same rules, ate the same foods, same routines and patterns, watched the same films, played the same games, but somehow they turned out psychologically different to one another, naturally you might start to think, how does this happen? Perspectives shift as soon as we witness an element that contradicts popular belief; when twins separate, they’re not experiencing the exact same stimuli anymore, which slowly manifest itself as changes in world view and beliefs, which can subsequently begin a shift away from one another naturally; understanding that all lived experiences fundamentally shape our inner reality and our outer world can set you free from illusion, this can be seen as true when you’re observing the conscious choices you decide to act upon when proactively thinking through a wider lens; shifting other people’s perspective of you can be achieved when you consciously craft yourself from the inside, out.
Whether you should genuinely care or not about how you’re perceived by others is one thing, but by not taking accountability for your thoughts that lead to action, you could unconsciously be lead to a quieter, maybe even lonelier life. Imagine being the light of the party, everyone knew you for it, which made you fun to be around for some, but others were repelled by you by no fault of your own; say you decide to lean into what others think of you and you began to accept the version of someone else’s reality into your own mind, now, are you still you, or are you sinking into somebody else’s version of fixed reality? You begin to stop turning up to parties, becoming overly anxious of what others think of you, to only realise you’ve dimmed your own light by allowing yourself to care about what others think of you, imagine living that over and over again over the most youthful years of your life, how would that make you feel in time to come? Accepting all versions of yourself, past and present can be scary, real emotions are held within the most vulnerable versions of ourselves, being scared should always be seen as a valid reason to not wish to delve deeper into ones psyche, respecting even our own boundaries is imperative because not everyone wishes to be met at a sacrificial level. If you’re somebody who craves to be the life of the party, the centre of attention, you must own it and believe there’s nothing wrong with being that way; don’t allow your mind and the opinions of others dictate your energetic vibration, if being loud is how you shine, embrace it, please never run from it, your unique expression is valued more over conformity to societal expectation. Allowing your identity to splinter between the real world, the digital and the psychological could result in feeling disconnected from reality altogether. I found that once I accepted all versions of myself, past and present, all at the same time, it helped ground me in my individuality as I migrated from one persona to another; listening to my intuition, the feeling in my gut, helped me navigate trickier situations that arose whilst staying true to my authenticity.
Our individuality is what separates me, to you, the contrast is what makes us different from one another; by embracing that truth and letting all other perceptions of self fade into the void, you allow all perceptions from others to become a figment of psychological history. Allowing perceived perception to become history actively garnishes individuals to move forward and enjoy the life they were gifted to experience, without the weight of societal expectation hanging over ones shoulders. The gift of living through versions of ourselves is truly endless, a lifetime of learning the depths of our individuality can make life feel stupendously exciting. Reflecting on past versions of ourselves offers room for existential growth that others may deem self-righteous; it’s healthy to reflect and adapt over ones life, because if we never exercise and advocate change for ourselves, we risk being stuck in the past, possibly forever.
With each new version of ourselves we get live through and experience, we learn more about ourselves, the past becomes a checklist for not making the same mistakes and the immediate future shapes itself into an intuitive compass; the highs and the lows, the wins and the losses, become a blueprint for future success; through consistently losing we eventually learn how to win, realising that losing is the stepping stone to real success; winning and the emotions it comes with are only ever temporary, leaving you possibly hungry for more. Eventually we sit in the present and realise why we had to evolve to who we are today, because everything that came before was the precipice to evolutionary growth. The fact that some humans wake up and choose to be authentically themselves over being someone they’re not, everyday, is far more powerful than any amount of monetary exchange; to choose ourselves every damn day is terrifyingly beautiful, anyone can consistently choose to live a life full of regret, because it’s easier than telling yourself to live in the moment and seeing the gift of today; when you can understand that some people are not your friends, they’re your enemies disguising as good people, your life will shrink and blossom all at the same time.
The readers who consistently read my blogs will likely only recognise me as a blogger, whilst others may see me as a transgender girl attempting to build influence via social media; both of those perceptions are true through my eyes, but there will be some who see it differently altogether, and that’s okay. The jobs and experiences we find ourselves in throughout life can fix one version of our perceived identity in the perceivers mind forever, meaning that some will only want to remember you for the person you were whilst they worked with you, and that’s okay.
Whilst working as a Healthcare Assistant (HCA), I felt like I started off whole and authentic, I felt my individuality was solid, singular. I realised that patients and colleagues will come and go relatively quickly whilst working in a healthcare setting; being on the same ward consistently I realised I was becoming multiple different versions of myself depending on the energy output of the individual I was in contact with, splitting my perceived identity overtime. I had the realisation that the imprints I left in people’s mind of myself were becoming different all throughout the ward. The information I shared with selected individuals changed from person to person and overtime, I felt like I was becoming inauthentic, despite only ever sharing information that I deemed honest and truthful. I felt fragmented across a wall of colleagues and displaced between an ocean of patients; it was tearing me apart from the inside out because I wanted to be seen as just Jamieee ✨, singular, but the truth, I had spewed a ridiculous amount of versions of myself over a relatively small space in a short amount of time, which I believe caused a continuous shift of silent directed opinion of me that I felt energetically through body language and expressive tonal changes without anyone saying a word. Towards the end of my time as a HCA I was no longer the person I was when I started, (duh), I didn’t leave the job role whole, I left confused and in pieces. I am still putting myself back together through understanding of self, but this time it’s different, the last time I had to rebuild myself I was navigating a world with a ‘testronic’ operating system (OS), whereas now, I am learning from an ‘oestronic’ OS for the first time due to the effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I have since learnt, that expressing multiple versions of myself in a contained environment isn’t necessarily bad, but it can cause a displacement of authentic character in the eyes of others, which ultimately I feel shouldn’t be considered as something negative, personally I’d see it as someone who is beautifully diverse in their individuality.
Our identities are what we make of it throughout a lifetime, we’re allowed to be different people to everyone we interact with in our lives; we get to start again whenever we choose, we can reset with every new person we get to know, that’s actively choosing to evolve in real-time, bettering our understanding of self through the human experience; that doesn’t make you two faced by embracing your diverse identities, it simply makes you, unique, which in turn, can make others feel uncomfortable, but that’s not on you.
I have many identities, some are not known to everybody, you may know me as Jamieee ✨, but others know me as [REDACTED] whereas the lucky few know me as [REDACTED] or [REDACTED], those four personas co-exist in the present, just because I don’t showcase them all on social media, doesn’t mean they don’t exist, you’ve just got to know where to look, which makes secrets all so thrilling. Identity splitting can develop further in the future if you should choose to explore more versions of yourself. The list of perceivable identities is endless if you understand this point; our perceived identities are forever split between groups of people and individuals all throughout every timeline of our own individual existence, so caring about what people think, is essentially like caring for toilet paper getting flushed down the chain once it’s been used.
In my view, people deciding to choose hatred over kindness exposes to me a psychological footprint; hatred is often caused by a trauma related incident and how an individual reacts today, in the present, is simply a trauma response. It’s important to highlight that not everyone can identify moments that were traumatising, which subsequently lead to behaviour they deem acceptable and even normal to themselves, but absolutely abhorrent to others. Whatever we believe as individuals through beliefs is subjective, what we deem ‘the right thing to do’ is going to be somebody else’s ‘wrong thing to do’. It’s essential that when we break down the barriers to our identity, that we extend kindness to ourselves as for what we uncover isn’t always pleasant or easily digestible; whilst con-currently, sympathising, sometimes, with the people that hurt us, because all trauma is linked like a never-ending network of action and consequence since the dawn of time.
I will forever continue to explore reality and consciousness as a past time whilst I weave through identity checkpoints in my life. I can accept my complexity as an individual, even I get exhausted within my own complexity, but trying to understand the world and the people within it helps me navigate my neurotypical mind, which in turn can offer valuable insight to the one person that matters most in my life, my son; should anything happen to me, naturally or tragically, my words, my blogs, my entire expression will still remain digitally, at least for some time. My son will be able to read if he should choose to, my work, see the many versions of me that made my individuality unique, he will always have the resources to understand the person I was, because in death we can quickly be forgotten, all versions of ourselves cease to remain, but words, words are forever, even after death; until the end of time itself.
“We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people; all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” – The Eleventh Doctor, The Time of The Doctor (2013), Doctor Who.
All Things Jamieee ✨ 