The feelings and emotions that are associated with loneliness are often kept close to one’s chest for one reason or another, whether we admit to others that we feel lonely or not is a choice that can re-route the immediate future if we’re met with resonance, or destabilise us if met with rejection. The act of expressing one’s vulnerability should be seen as a strength, yet in the modern world it seems to be seen as quite the opposite.
The heavy burden of loneliness in an ever growing world is becoming increasingly more severe, the population is supposedly surpassing record levels of humanity living at one time that has ever been know in human history; which begs many questions, most of which I’m not interested in exploring in this passage of writing, other than touching on one question, in a world of eight billion plus people, how has loneliness become so prevalent in an age of a surplus population?
In this passage of text I want to focus on the perspective of loneliness and invert the question of what it means to be lonely; the emotional undercurrent of loneliness I believe is far more profound than what meets the eye, retrospectively, loneliness arises when we’re met with emotional absence, we essentially desire to fill the gap between something that was once present with something that has been lost. There are many questions that I could derive and explore, the one I’m most interested in exploring is what loneliness feels like metaphysically and does it manifest the same within everybody?
I have got to a point in my life where I’m not afraid to say to anyone that I feel lonely; by revealing that information in my blog may indicate a vulnerability within me, but in the strangest way, loneliness has become a strength within me, not emotionally but proactively. The first impression of that statement may come across as ridiculous, but like anything, the more you train an element of yourself, the stronger that element becomes over time. I guess the sledgehammer within the context of my loneliness is the fact that this strength started pulling reps dating back to my earliest memories. I grew up having to be comfortable in silence with my own thoughts because it felt safer to keep my thoughts to myself than speaking them out loud, I couldn’t regulate my thoughts or emotions as a kid, so I felt everything, everywhere, all at once.
What happens when you finally self-train emotional regulation? Personally, I began to understand the metaphysical version of myself, the cycles, the coping mechanisms, the non-physical elements that made me tick or go ‘ick’. Loneliness gave me the ability to eat in silence, watch movies uninterrupted, to sit with ruminating thoughts for hours to months on end, observe behavioural patterns within myself, before I could realise, it became a second nature skill, in time, I got better and faster at identifying my own emotional cycles, patterns and behaviours; I eventually realised, I could read other people, I would categorise, process and analyse micro energetic expressions (facial expressions, a finger twitch, the glint of an eye, the tremble of a leg and so much more), within nano seconds.
The interesting part? Everything I feel, sense and pick up on is like an abstract painting of invisible energy unseen to the naked eye but present in my conscious mind; I can write about any engagement in great detail, but speaking it out loud? A stumbling mess, falling over words, forgetting what I am saying, then needing to be reminded what the subject was even about, yet my thoughts, razor sharp. The connection between thought and spoken word are misaligned strengths of mine, one has had a lifetime of consistent work, where the other just hasn’t had enough vocal experience, which is a direct consequence of true loneliness. The psycho-analytic abilities I have evolved with and strengthened over twenty-seven years may seem fascinating in your conscious mind, but I assure you, to live with an ever-processing mind is debilitating, in the end, all physical wonder dissolves and all you’re left with is the pursuit of metaphysical pleasure.
Loneliness slowly becomes a curse wrapped in spikes, the longer one stays lonely, the harder it is to break free from its shackles without getting pinched on the way out. What does loneliness look like from the outside looking in? It’s seeing a cinema goer watching a romantic movie alone, it’s the old man sitting in a coffee shop speaking to a friend once a week and watching the joy radiates out of his eyes, it’s the young girl putting on a smile whilst excessively speaking about the nature of her reality. Loneliness has a way of blending into its surroundings like a chameleon on a branch, it’s there if you examine long enough.
The physical signs of loneliness can crack open when you begin to take in the subtle cues around you that can often overlooked; it’s noticing a friend’s jealousy in situations where they weren’t invited out; the silence radiating out of the player last to be picked to be apart of the team; the tonal change of how your best friend said goodbye right at the last moment. Loneliness isn’t always obvious, but once it’s noticed, it should be taken seriously; a simple invitation out can make somebody feel thought about, which could make the world of difference not only in their mood, but in their overall posture; that invitation out could be the reason they met someone new and their loneliness became less sharp.
Loneliness hasn’t always felt the same from one period of my life to another; prior to hormone replacement therapy (HRT), loneliness felt like internal emptiness, emotionally I felt numb, physically I felt lethargic. I wasn’t able to express myself authentically before HRT, therefore my light was dimmed to the point I needed a jump start to be able to emit a spark within; the HRT acted as the power generator to my most authentic self, overtime I became more comfortable in my own skin. I thought to myself, maybe now I could be seen and escape the forever collapsing inner loneliness loop? I soon learnt that being seen and being known are two different tangible forms of isolation, where I was consistently met with surface-level expression and a lack of emotional intelligence.
I genuinely thought that once I could express myself authentically, my battle with loneliness would come to an end, but after the honeymoon phase of HRT, loneliness had never felt so heavy. The dating app experience exploded in my face, hundreds of men wanting to connect with me, other transgender individuals wanting to reach out, even romantic couples wanted my presence, but pushing past the objectification, the substance that was left would barely moisturise my sponge. I was met with invisible judgement and jealousy, my confidence was mistaken for egoism, my written language was perceived as hierarchical dominance, leading me to temporarily abandon an identity in the hopes of being accepted by somebody, leaving me to feel entirely hopeless; in the end, I said to myself, that I will not change who I am to make others feel comfortable. I now wear a necklace that displays the letter ‘J’ as a reminder to come back to myself; when I’m feeling heavy and I happen to catch a glimpse of the necklace in the mirror, or I feel my chest and feel the ‘J’, I know in that moment, that I should always be true to myself and return back to source.
My social media analytics revealed just how extensively I was being seen, the ratio between men and women, varying age ranges, location, watch time, clicks, engagement, have all given me valuable insights; my presence online is only increasing as time passes, being seen is my conscious choice; being known is my next objective. Which lead to me start thinking differently on what loneliness is underneath the hood, if being seen makes me feel increasingly more lonely, then is being known going to bring me closer to social fulfilment or is it just another rat race?
Loneliness has been my one constant, whilst solving this issue wouldn’t magically turn my life into something more fulfilling, it does ultimately feel like the final boss to defeat that would bring my lifelong battle with self, to a momentary pause. I have overcome depression and anxiety once before, yet, this chapter of my life is challenging me more than I can handle at times, which has led to my symptoms of depression and anxiety to increase in recent times. I have tools and coping mechanisms to help me return to a balanced state of mind when life becomes turbulent, yet sometimes, it isn’t enough. I am independently managing my gender dysphoria with HRT, my ADHD is now being treated with medication. I meditate every day to temporarily soothe my spiralling mind and centre myself, yet loneliness is the one diagnosis that can’t be treated with medication, therapy or thought; it’s the last active personal issue that I seem to be going round in eternal circles with, it causes me to experience a level of distress and physical pain that sometimes feel unbearable to endure any longer, leading me to occasional states of suicidal ideation.
I’m finding that as I learn more and more about who I am as an individual, my inner child echoes louder; whilst I’ve been confronting my grief and trauma, along the way I discovered that my loneliness stems all the way back to my earliest childhood memories, rooted like a pitchfork in a grave. The more I thought about it, I found myself asking the same question, why was this the case for me when it seemed like everyone else around was able to effectively communicate, make friends and read social cues? Whilst my ADHD diagnosis offers a lot of explanation, there are still plot holes that can’t be ignored; I can’t help but believe that I’m on the autistic spectrum (ASD). I never realised I’d put on a mask over two decades just to survive as a child, now that mask is peeling away, I feel myself getting closer to absolute, yet temporary, stillness. I’m actively seeking a formal diagnosis of ASD, however, because of my ADHD diagnosis, I am having to work out what is real and what is imagined in my consciousness, explore my habits at a micro level and replay old memories to decipher what was ADHD and what could’ve been autistic traits.
I understand that labelling myself as autistic without a ‘formal’ diagnosis can put me in a rigid box, which may aggravate others, however, I believe having words that can help others try and understand me is more important than waiting years on end for a diagnosis; if I can understand myself at a much deeper level in the present, I can be authentic now, not later. The combination of self-built confidence and authenticity leads to being seen, the final leg in this chapter of my life is about becoming known to reduce my isolation, to step into the person I always was and to start living instead of surviving. The clinical term ‘AuDHD’ is the combination of both ASD and ADHD which is why I have the term on my socials typically found in the bio; it’s there to give an insight into how my brain is wired to better the chances of being understood.
This blog openly exposes my biggest vulnerability, I allow my readers to tap into my consciousness with every instalment of my blog because I am not ashamed of who I am, who I am becoming or the choices I have made or will make; my core philosophy is that consciousness is what stitches our experiences in life together to make one coherent timeline, if consciousness was stripped from the equation, we’d have no link from one experience to the next, we’d still feel the energy in motion from within, but the experience of life would feel more like living within a dream, where moments from previous experiences would only appear in memory when a similar experience takes place, giving a sense of de ja vu. What does this have to do with loneliness? Well if you read this far you’d have some context on how I came to some of these conclusions without citing a single piece of text from anywhere else other than my conscious thought; I have written to some extent the psychological processes I have experienced to get to where I am today from a life of living more in my head than co-existing in a shared reality. I write with such confidence because the philosophical conclusions I have come to can only be derived from deep analysis of objective reality from consistent observations where outcomes can be predicted by the law of probability.
I would argue that our truest identity is never actually seen by any individual in a lifetime, even when you believe you know someone one hundred percent, the reality is you can only know someone up-to ninety-nine percent; when we close a door behind us in an empty room, all masks can fall off in an instant. The idea of being alone in a room, with just your thoughts makes some people so uncomfortable that they need to distract themselves to avoid sitting in their own swamp of thoughts. You can never truly know yourself until you navigate the matrix of your own mind, it’s only when we are alone that our truest identities are exsposed. This life has taught me that I’ve never truly know anybody, the more I observe the more I’ve realised that this isn’t just the case for me, it’s the same in everyone I’ve observed. Our time with the people we choose to spend in our lives are only ever fleeting, whether it’s a friend, family, co-worker or the person we choose to love; our time with anybody are just moments, an experience, in a timeline stitched by consciousness, from start to finish.
I could pick a random individual to meet today, tomorrow, next week, but I know deep down, just being in physical contact with somebody doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely. I struggle with making friends because my time in isolation has made it hard to tolerate the everyday chit chat, I automatically start recognising patterns that I can’t just ignore and it becomes chronically exhausting. Walking into a new workplace tomorrow would only amplify the loneliness; I found that out when I started working in a general hospital where ultimately the more I met people, the more lonely and isolated I felt. I could have the world around me and still feel empty socially. I’ve learnt that having more people in my life isn’t the answer, this passage of writing wouldn’t likely exist if I had a social circle where loneliness wasn’t an accolade I carried with me, this blog likely wouldn’t even exist. I know that for some people loneliness can be solved by meeting new people alone, that’s how loneliness can look different from one person to the next, we may have options but that doesn’t mean they solve our loneliness, it could indirectly make symptoms worse.
I had the realisation some time ago that what I actually seek is metaphysical resonance; connections that go beyond the physical and into cosmic alignment territory that shifts the internal state of oneness and charges the soul. I’ve had to wrestle a lot this year on the idea of finding a romantic relationship, however, as time passes I realise that ultimately I do wish to find a partner, male, female or anywhere in-between. I have specific criteria that I look out for when I’m looking for a romantic connection, I must feel a metaphysical connection with them where they understand that they will never complete me. I don’t want them competing with me, I want to feel chosen where we consistently choose each other; intensifying each other’s lives for the better.
I don’t know if I’d ever actually be comfortable with a group of friends, the simplest over examinations are enough to mentally and physically drain me for a fortnight, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try, it’s hard to picture a reality that has never been mine. I consider myself to have two metaphysical friendships, one being my best friend for as long as I can remember, his name is Harley, we grew up together, we went to the same first school & high school together; we’ve spent a lot of time over the years playing video games, exploring abandoned buildings and even done photography together. The other is my friend Caitlin, we don’t speak often, but when we do, we connect on a deep spiritual level that feels otherworldly. The connection I have with these two individuals feels like I’ve collided with them in every possible lifetime, which again, is something I desire to find in a romantic connection in this lifetime.
The psychology cycles that I’m living through are rough, I desperately wanted to be seen, but being seen isn’t enough, I want to be known, but being known makes me vulnerable and susceptible to loss. Losing someone whether they’re a friend, family member, or a love interest opens up abandonment wounds that feel like physical pain and an anxiety that makes my stomach turn, so I go back to just wanting to be seen, and the cycle continues, creating my loneliness paradox. I can be transparent with my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but unless I have absolute certainty, my mind will spiral into past reflections of lived experiences that make me retreat for my own emotional safety; maybe I should sit in the uncertainty of others, live through the uncomfortable, but the raw anxiety can be too much to bare, especially when history repeats itself time and time again, maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not, does anyone have the right to hold that answer?
Ultimately, loneliness is sitting long enough with yourself to realise something feels absent, our emotions intensify the longer we go without what feels missing in our lives; it’s strange, the experiences we wish to hold in our lives can often feel like we’ve already experienced them just not in this timeline, which leads me to think, are we destined to connect with the same souls in every lifetime if we make decisions based off our intuition over subconscious automation? The idea of cause and effect with every decision, every step we make, creating branches of endless timelines, makes me think, if we lead with our intuition, do we actually end up with the most desirable life where we connect with everyone we destined to? Or if we lead every decision subconsciously, do we miss out on all possible desirable outcomes, where life becomes a game of chance over divinity?
Loneliness for some are fulfilled with surface-level interactions, for others the connection they need is so rare that finding that person could take a lifetime; my desire for a soulful connection with someone that can cut below the surface and sit within the core of my entirety, seeing through all my visible identities and accept my individuality, to finally be seen and known all at once, requires me to break the cycle of my prolonged isolation and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. The only way to heal from past abandonment trauma is through prolonged exposure therapy and believing you are enough and whole on your own as an individual. Curing the emotional undercurrent of loneliness isn’t a simple as just going out and meeting new people, especially in the midst of the turbulent world of today; loneliness needs compassion and understanding as a foundation for healing and fulfilment. I believe the residue of metaphysical loneliness lingers far beyond initial connection, whether it’s a love interest or a growing friendship, having patience with yourself and others is crucially important, because for some, loneliness may be the dominant characteristic of their lifetime.
I don’t currently know if I’ll ever get to live out a period of my life where loneliness doesn’t get to linger within my energy field, only time can tell that tale. I don’t desire a large friendship circle, but that’s doesn’t mean I’m not open to making friends with people I meet online or in person; friendships come and go, I try not get hung up on why people leave, but I’m human and often times it hurts when I think about the loss of past connections. Fundamentally, life gets busy and only the strongest connections can survive; the strongest connections in life are typically revealed when you can just pick up where you left off without explanation or judgement; they’re there when life gets tough. One person shouldn’t have to split their lives apart to satisfy a whole circle of friends, we have to understand that connections naturally dissolve so that other individuals can find fulfilling connections for themselves, without explanation; finding balance is a key factor for a healthy lifestyle.
I have family in my life, whilst I’m not close with every sibling, I still think about them often, we don’t see one another often because again, we all lead busy lives; we all have to survive the avalanche of responsibilities that life comes with, the modern age keeps us all connected, yet too busy to have the capacity to keep up consistently. I’m closest to my father, whilst I don’t always communicate effectively and we don’t always agree on certain issues, he’s always been present in my life. I live with my dad, when my mother passed away, we naturally grew closer and our bond strengthened, I feel we’ve both been through a lot together and share similar struggles; the time I spend with my son is always precious, my boy gets to spend time with his grandad and share lifelong memories together, which ultimately helps lessen the intensity of loneliness I feel in my life from time to time, and likely my father’s too.
If I were to conclude, I would say this, loneliness isn’t always a choice we make, but the choices we make to combat loneliness ultimately determine the life we get to experience. Loneliness for me isn’t derived from a lack of friendships or relationships, it’s the lack of something that feels meaningful; whether the origins of my loneliness is due to my choices, my perceived perception, or having lived a life unaware of the clinical understanding of how my brain functions due to one reason or another, is yet to be understood with clarity. I can accept that the feelings I have around loneliness can be factored into multiple explanations and the answer isn’t derived from one particular reason alone; writing this passage of text has brought me closer to understanding why I feel lonely, whilst gaining clarity on what I desire and would like in my life to feel fulfilled.
In a world of megaphones, debris and broken lampposts, it’s important to remember that sunlight shines through even the tiniest of cracks; through all the turmoil, grass will always prevail and even in the most torrential conditions flowers blossom.
Beauty is rare yet it exists in every pixel of our vision; sometimes, we all need to remember how precious time really is, because in a blink of an eye everything we once had becomes a memory.
Jamieee ✨ x
